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274 Main Street Rear
Behind David Gavin salon
Great Barrington, MA
413.528.1145
petria@petriaboutiq.com

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The Gotcha! Wedding

by Petria May

Surprise birthday parties have long held a special place among surprises in our culture. Engagements, from what I hear, are rarely surprises since the woman has usually been intermittently begging or demanding the next step for months if not years and, finally, surprise! The reluctant intended ponies up and commits.

The latest member of the surprise club is the Gotcha! Wedding. In this case, the bride and groom fool their friends and family into thinking they're invited to some other type of party. Then, surprise! We are also getting married! Today!

I first heard of surprise weddings about two years ago. My father and stepmother said they were going to attend their friend Diane's graduation party. She had returned to college late in life and, flirting with her forties, deserved a party for finishing. She'd shared the prior 10 years with her partner, David. Soon after my parents arrived, they understood that they were surprise wedding guests.

I have heard of other surprise weddings since then. My own experience as a punked guest culminated over the Christmas holidays. In November, my friend Nicole announced that she and Bertrand were engaged and would marry in his native France in July. They had also recently bought a house and would have a housewarming party in January, she said. Sensing a different story, I asked if the party wasn't really a wedding. They insisted that it wasn't, but later toasted to "our secret wedding." Oddly, after this, they continued to insist that they would marry in July.

Nicole came to my shop in search of a wonderful dress for her "party" and maybe the July wedding. The story dragged on for so long that it started to feel bizarre. I finally wondered, "Is there a point at which a surprise becomes inconsiderate?" If you are going to surprise your guests, surprise them all and go all the way.

Finally, at the "housewarming party," full of family, old and new friends and friends of friends, I learned that 15 guests had attended a wedding on the previous day. I think Nicole and Bertrand wanted a very small wedding for their intimates and a big party for everyone they liked well enough to tell later.

A real surprise wedding holds real appeal. No one makes a fuss and, as a result, the couple feels less pressure to perform, as if on stage. If they want, they can cancel the wedding part of the party at any time. Some couples feel silly having a grand wedding-due to age, second or third time around, living together, dating forever-so they transition quietly. Surprise wedding guests don't suffer from high expectations: they are busily bemused by the surprise. The financial savings is likely to be high as well. Buying a huge wedding seems less smart, for example, than buying a new home that can financially and symbolically solidify a couple. Despite the oddness of it all, maybe Nic and B. are simply ahead of the curve. After all, their guests and nuptials did likely warm the house considerably.

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